By Luke Tierney

It was recently announced that Subway had included it’s classic chicken fillet in the “$7 footlong” range. This came not long after Pizza Hut’s “$5 Pizza Mia” range, and McDonald’s decision to sell their double cheeseburgers for $2, as part of their “Loose Change Menu”.

Friends, it is truly a time to be alive.

If there’s one thing we can all agree upon, it has nothing to do with African Warlords, and everything to do with the greatness of these deals.

But which deal is most amazing?

Using my journalism skills for the purposes of good, or at the very least, morally ambiguous, I decided to fashion a pseudo-detailed “value analysis” of these delicious bargains.    The end result of which I shall determine victor for “best overall deal”, and shall present them with some sort of award, which may or may not exist.

Subway’s $7 Chicken Fillet

Fellow food valuers may guffaw at my inclusion of the chicken fillet.   They might argue that the $7 footlong range already exists, and therefore, this chicken fillet news isn’t incredibly significant.

I disagree.

This commercial is gonna go viral any day now and I cannot implore strongly enough that any readers not in Australia view it.

Delicious Factor

It’s a well-known fact that the chicken fillet is the most delicious sub on the menu.  Next to the ham sub, it’s a Maserati next to a Kia.

From experience of actually working at Subway, I can tell you “can I have a chicken fillet” was my most asked question, right after my boss asking me to wear a hair net, and customers also asking me to wear a hair net.

Spicy, bread-covered chicken, melted cheese, and fairly fresh vegetables.  What’s not to love?

Aside from the disgusting "vegetables" part

(Photo by: Sura Nualpradid  - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1750)

8 out of 10

Nutritional Value

This is where chicken fillet also gets a lot of points. At a minimum, before sauce and cheese, it has 340 calories. Let’s say you throw on cheese and a low fat sauce, that’s roughly an extra 60 or so calories, which makes a grand total of 400. From this base level, you can potentially salvage some “health points” by way of salad options.

Let’s go with the optimum level of health and throw as many vegetables as possible on this bad boy. The full salad range gets you the goodness of vitamins A, C, B and K (I had no idea it went down to K) Potassium, Lycopene and Beta Carotene.

These nutrients seems vaguely impressive when written down in a row, (though I actually have no idea what they represent).

7 out of 10

Fillingness Value

The fillingness of a footlong sub is indisputable. Let’s not forget the fact that $7 gets you unlimited salads AND, sauces (only a sucker has just one dressing).  I should also mention that if you ask politely/ forcefully, they’ll put on extra lettuce.  This really adds to the overall “padding”, sure to keep your stomach nice and bloated.

A perfectly adequate dinner substitute.

Better than having flour again.

8 out of 10

Grand Total

7.6

McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger

When I used to work at McDonald’s, making the double cheeseburger was one of my favourite procedures. So infectious was the deliciousness, that I often  fantasized about eating them on the job. Sometimes my fantasies would be so realistic that I’d find myself actually eating them. Also, I was fired from McDonald’s.

Delicious Factor

Undisputedly delicious.

Not enough positive things can be said about the “DCB”. In fact, if it was possible, I’d live in a double cheeseburger house and drive around in a car shaped like a double cheeseburger, with the number plate “DBLCHEEZBRGER”. I’d also marry a double cheeseburger and have double cheeseburgers for children. I’d do all this while eating double cheeseburgers.

9 out of 10

Nutritional Value

To be honest, somewhat low. In total the double cheeseburger is 430 calories. Now we could just write it off as being “a good for nothing cheeseburger” but that seems a bit unfair.  Every Burger deserves a fair trial.

Even this burger, which raped its patients.

(Photo by Grant Cochrane - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2365)

You receive the goodness of iron, protein, and Vitamin B from the meat. From the pickle and onion, you receive the goodness of Vitamin C and then… more Vitamin B. From the cheese, you’d derive calcium of some sort.

One drawback is the high level of sugar in the bun, which the McDonald’s website says is “now only 5%”.  I have no idea if that’s good or not, but good on them for bringing it down.

4 out of 10

Fillingness

The fillingness here is medium.  It’s no sub, but on the other hand, it’s no “single cheeseburger”.  A very hungry man would need three to fill an empty stomach (provided he picks all the melted cheese from the wrapper).

7 out of 10

Grant Total

6.6

Pizza Hut’s Pizza Mia

For years we’ve filled our drawers with pizza coupons and stuffed our wallets and purses with supermarket receipts that offer some sort of fabulous pizza deal.  Often it’s a pizza for $7… other times, $6.  The $5 pizza deal rarely, if at all.  But now comes a permanent addition to the Pizza Hut menu.

The $5 pizza has finally been unleashed.

"The fools!"

(Photo by Suat Eman - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=151)

Delicious Factor

Pizza truly is a heck of a thing, and easily ranked within my top 5 foods that have melted cheese on top of them.

This particular incarnation of the pizza has all the things you’d expect from pizza — crust, tomato sauce, topping, cheese.

It’s all there.

However, like a b-grade Turkish version of a Hollywood blockbuster – it just doesn’t feel like the real thing. And, just like that b-grade Turkish version of a Hollywood blockbuster, while you might feel duped, you saw the poster, and you got involved anyway. So there’s no-one to blame but you.

All this said, at the end of the day… it’s a pizza.  And being that, it is, inherently pretty tasty.

7.5 out of 10

Nutritional Value

From the looks of the menu, the most well-rounded pizza (from a nutritional point of view), is the “Chicken Mia”. I say most well-rounded, in the sense that it had the widest range of colours in the food that made up the toppings.

Chicken, capsicum, and sun-dried tomatoes. And before you get outraged, remember, it’s five dollars… so settle down.

This gives you the basic nutritional value of vitamins B, C, lycopene (there’s that thing again), calcium, and the colour green (I’m trying to fill this paragraph out a bit).

It’s calorie level is 1600 per whole pizza.

Plus there's the cardboard box the pizza comes in. So, you know, that's something.

(Photo by federico stevanin - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=149)

5 out of 10

Fillingness

For $5, it’s pretty damn good. Again, this is Pizza Hut’s best defence – for what you pay, you have little basis for complaint.

The perfecto base is somewhere between the thick and the thin and, as such, should fill the stomach hole decently, though I would caution that if you’re particularly hungry, you might need two.

Any more than three?  There could be all sorts of trouble.

7 out of 10

Grand Total

6.5

I declare the winner to be Subway’s Chicken Fillet, with an average score of 7.6 out of 10.

CF is a worthy, delicious victor, and in spite of my long-held grudge against Subway for firing me, I implore you all go out and try this relatively nutritious, entirely delicious, filling, bargain. As it is “for a limited time”, I suggest you enjoy it while you can. Which is also a great metaphor for life.